People have been sharing their best jokes and it’s just the escape we needed right now – 17 rib-ticklers

People have been sharing their best jokes after _fiddle-sticks_ put out an appeal on Reddit.

‘I need cheering up. What’s your best joke?

‘It’s my birthday today and it’s not been the best. I’m need of cheering up. So tell me your best joke, I need some laughs.’

And we’re very glad they did because the gags came pouring in and these 17 filled the brief with aplomb (and also – many happy returns, _fiddle-sticks_!)

1.

‘My four year old son has been learning Spanish for a few months now, but all he can say is the word “Please”.

‘That’s poor for four isn’t it?’
Houdini23

2.

‘So, my mum had a pet bird and one day she found it wasn’t moving.

‘She took it to a vet, who said, “I’m sorry, but your bird is dead.”

“How can you say that?! You haven’t even tested anything!” My mother cried.

‘The vet sighed and brought out a cat. He placed it near the bird and it started yowling loudly.

‘He says again, “I’m sorry, but your bird is dead.”

‘My mother, outraged and in tears says, “what was that?! A cat can’t tell if it’s dead or not, do a proper test!”

‘The vet took the cat away, went into a back room and brought out a black Labrador. As soon as it saw the bird, it sniffed at it, then lay down and started whimpering. At this point, the vet says once more, “I’m really sorry, but your bird is definitely dead.”

‘My mother is done at this point, she says, “fine”, takes the bird and puts it in a box, and heads back to reception.

‘The receptionist says, “I’m sorry for your loss, but today’s bill will be £1,500.”

‘My mum isn’t even crying at this point, just absolutely fucking livid and shouts at the receptionist, “you fucking what?! What on earth for?!”

‘The receptionist calmly responds, “Well, it’s £500 for the emergency appointment, £500 for the cat scan, and £500 for the lab test.”
CeresHelvetion

3.

‘A father is washing the car with his son. His son says, “Dad, why can’t you use a sponge?”
Skeleton200000

4.

‘Just got a pirate copy of that Bohemian Rhapsody film. Must have been recorded in a cinema, every few minutes I see a little silhouette of a man.’
satans-dick-giggle

5.

‘A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard. The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“Do you really talk?” he asks the dog. “Yes,” the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”

The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years”.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals”. “Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”

‘The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. “Ten quid,” the owner says. “£10? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”

“Because he’s a lying bastard, he’s never been out of the back yard.”
Salahs_barber

6.

‘What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

‘One’s a large Australian animal the other’s a Geordie stuck in a lift.’
ChipCob1

7.

‘What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

‘Anna 1 Anna 2.’
Winklemans_Fringe

8.

‘What birds stick together?

‘Velcrows.’
Greglebowski74

9.

‘Do you want to join me at the picnic for llamas?

‘Alpaca lunch.’
CuthbertDibbleNGrub