25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week
13.
Horrible being the first one to sign a group birthday card at work. Its on me to set the tone, do we go funny, sincere & affectionate, clinical & professional perhaps. No privacy at all either, everyone is gonna read my message when they write theirs. Im fucking panicking here.
— Mike Townsend (@townsendyesmate) June 19, 2024
14.
my ex bf from high school just looked at my linkedin profile..i’ve still got it.
— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) June 19, 2024
15.
Watching the BBC Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and right at the start Ford buys six pints of beer for £5 and tells the barman to keep the change. Craziest fucking thing in the whole series.
— Maddie (derogatory) (@pbAstronaut) June 19, 2024
16.
My mom was using talk-to-text to message me about bringing donuts to her house and at the same time my dad was reading her an article about the effects the Supersize Me guy got from eating only McDonald’s pic.twitter.com/nMSAEwSjOS
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 20, 2024
17.
So glad I was able to go outside and feed all these tiny flying bastards my blood. I'm some kind of nature hero.
— Fulkery, A Parody Wrapped in an Enigma (@Fulkery1) June 20, 2024
18.
Fact: sperm whales call humans jizz monkeys
— Drunk Dreamer (@ElgatoEsmio) June 7, 2024
19.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
— Marly (@VerbsRProudest) June 18, 2024
20.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
— David Randolph (@drandolph) June 6, 2024
21.
"Cows kill more people than sharks."
"I'm surprised cows kill any sharks at all."
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) June 18, 2024
22.
Reasons I'm lazy:
1. I don't like to put a lot of effort into things
2. other stuff— Michael (@minealone6) June 18, 2024
23.
Can't stop thinking about the reflection in this picture making it look like Miriam Margolyes has just woken up in the back of Kate Middleton's carriage pic.twitter.com/BlDg3vkHas
— SHANE REACTION (@imshanereaction) June 16, 2024
24.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
— the tortured poet ✨ (@BandOfTh13ves) June 17, 2024
25.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
— Katie Tiedrich (@katietiedrich) June 16, 2024