Foxtons to open branch in Tripoli

Foxtons News: “A lot of exciting new properties have just come on the market,” says Andrew Smart, area manager for Foxtons’ forthcoming Tripoli office.

“At Foxtons we’ve been calling market-forced purchases of residential properties ‘regime change’ for years – just our little joke – so you see, we’re one step ahead. Basically my guys are incentivised. They are the most incentivised estate agents in Libya, London, or wherever. They want to sell your home more than you do. In fact whenever anyone joins the team they first thing we make them sell is their own place, whether they want to or not. We take the commission. They feel the flame.”

“Flats, mansions, all ex-government, Gaddafi henchmen, whatever – just rushing into the Libyan market right now – ensuite bathrooms, oblique sea views, fantastic off-street parking. OK, yes, décor not to everyone’s taste, but they will have that retro-tyrant chic in a few years. Or they simply offer a great opportunity for an investment-orientated re-furb. Your call.”

Foxtons, famous for their rapacious growth, fleet of tiny branded cars and a patented sales technique known as ‘Operation Bullshit’ or ‘whatever you want your house to be worth, we’ll tell you it’s worth that and then some – as fact’ are expanding out from the South of England.

All over the Middle East, teams of slick, ‘can-do’ young sales personnel will be deployed to profit from the uncertainty of ‘boiling markets’ like Libya and Egypt.

“What defines Foxtons,” says Smart, “is a) getting all up in your grill and b) getting to the action. That’s why we have those tiny cars – so we can get to the action faster – even up on the pavement and round the damn traffic lights if needs be.”

“Tripoli is a pregnant market right now and we see ourselves as doctors, ready to ease those residential and commercial babies out – though obviously we’re much better looking than doctors.”

“There’s an old saying at Foxton’s – ‘one man’s bombed-out palace is another man’s renovated luxury apartment block with historic features and an outdoor pool’. We’re all about opportunity. And sales. And action. And getting all up in your grill. Mark my words, by the end of this uprising Foxton’s Tripoli is going to be the Caesar’s Palace of high street estate agents.”