A user’s guide to being a Calais migrant
Congratulations! You live in such a war-torn hell-hole that Birmigham seems like a better option! You’ve paid people smugglers, ridden makeshift rafts across frankly-terrifying bodies of water, and had to abandon your family members at various points along the way, but finally the end is in sight. You’re in Calais!
Whether you learned English from an invading army, the mercenary groups who are clearing the forests where you live so that multinational corporations can exploit the natural resources there, or just from a history of centuries of imperialism, you are within sight of Britain!
You are, unfortunately, still in France.
But there’s hope. One in seven of Britain’s new companies are started by migrants, so frankly, we need you here. We need you to join the dead-eyed desperate game of death-Frogger.
By Nathaniel Tapley.