1.
https://twitter.com/thetigersez/status/773919739986845697
2.
the dog has swallowed my wireless earpods and now Something Inside (So Strong) is blaring from her hole
— David O'Doherty (@phlaimeaux) September 8, 2016
3.
Been at uni two minutes and mums already cock blocked me pic.twitter.com/DImccoIrCs
— Mac (@McMillanCharlie) September 6, 2016
4.
I've said it before, I'll say it again. The theme tune to Crimewatch should not be that easy to dance to
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) September 5, 2016
5.
watching Ireland play football is as relaxing as drinking a wasp smoothie
— David O'Doherty (@phlaimeaux) September 5, 2016
6.
https://twitter.com/breakingbutter/status/772893447200051200
7.
Fantasy lives of politicians. No. 143 in an imaginary series – pic.twitter.com/baMEaofYTs
— Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) September 5, 2016
8.
Well injecting heroin won't help their numbers… pic.twitter.com/XMg0KcnHT7
— Mat (@MatCro) September 5, 2016
9.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 4, 2016
10.
Destroy the housing market
Replace grad jobs with unpaid internships
Tell them to buy a house— Carl Kinsella (@TVsCarlKinsella) September 4, 2016
11.
Twitter is a brilliant place for many of the most intelligent people on the planet to waste their potential together.
— Wilde Thingy (@wildethingy) September 3, 2016
12.
I'm playing the Strictly Come Dancing drinking game. When it comes on I go to the pub.
— Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) September 3, 2016
13.
— genkilover69 (@lunaklim) September 3, 2016
14.
Things native English speakers know, but don't know we know: pic.twitter.com/Ex0Ui9oBSL
— Matthew Anderson (@MattAndersonNYT) September 3, 2016
15.
I will always be the type of person who watches 'Murder She Wrote' in bed on a Saturday morning rather than, say, training for a triathlon.
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 3, 2016
16.
😱 pic.twitter.com/zL6EHh2iFx
— Roger Federer (@rogerfederer) September 3, 2016
17.
https://twitter.com/sannewman/status/771922507590934529
18.
The older I get the less of a possibility there is that any mail I open could be good news.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) September 2, 2016
19.
Tweet every day with the confidence of a man with 34 followers shouting at a celebrity.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) September 2, 2016
20.
https://twitter.com/scootertooter7/status/771808559004876800
21.
https://twitter.com/KestrelPi/status/771661125960118272
22.
didn't know your tweets had their own town pic.twitter.com/z5SB64A99N
— ellexander supertramp (@ElleHa) September 2, 2016
23.
https://twitter.com/_Noble/status/768564621494149121
24.
Wooden spoons are great. You can use them to cook or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) August 24, 2016
25.
If vampires have no reflection how do they get their hair like that.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) August 24, 2016
26.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) August 23, 2016
27.
Me trying to reach my goals https://t.co/iWHvyMEilB
— RealityVibesâ„¢ (@VibeCliques) August 21, 2016
28.
https://twitter.com/yo_rochelle/status/771767113048584193
29.
#Apple AirPods "Easy come. Easy go." pic.twitter.com/jiJkz3koD2
— Joel Willans (@Joelwillans) September 8, 2016
30.
The Head of Design at M&S recommends putting things you own. On a surface. #ontrend pic.twitter.com/rUtVbnkdCM
— Zosia Silarski (@willknitforwine) September 4, 2016
[compiled by @itsjamesherring]