Channel 5: new Big Brother will be ‘deadliest yet’

TV News: Big Brother bosses have promised the reality show will contain ‘previously unimaginable levels of terror’ when it returns to our screens this evening.

“Big Brother has a new channel, a new house and exciting new tasks involving execution and death,” said a Channel 5 spokesman.

Apart from the redesigned lounge, bedroom and garden, the new house will also feature rusty buzzsaws that pop out of the walls or the floor, bear traps, spikes, pit traps full of broken glass and a lunatic in the Diary Room who is armed with a hammer and an erection.

A year after Channel 4 dumped the show, Celebrity Big Brother has been revived on Channel 5 after a £200 million investment from channel owner and media mogul Richard Desmond. “I’m keen to see some bang for my buck,” said Desmond in a press conference this morning.

“Of course by ‘bang’ I mean insanely dangerous stuff that will leave the celebrities dead, or at the very least permanently scarred by memories of human suffering that they will never fully recover from.”