Big Brother forces mass evictions at Emmerdale Farm

Eviction News: It’s been dubbed the most unfair, gratuitous piece of cross-promotional, government-licensed reality TV broadcasting event ever, but Big Brother will today mount a forced eviction of long-term residents at Emmerdale Farm.

Despite the recent departures of Hazel Rhodes and Viv Hope, there are still many characters that have lived on the site for years, and are outraged at the government’s decision to let Big Brother throw them out and turn the area back into a scrapyard for a new series of ‘Scrapheap Challenge’ costing of £18 million.

“David Cameron only got 36% of the vote at the last election. He doesn’t have the country’s permission to rule, let alone to send his bully-boy Eric Pickles down here to tell us we’re no longer welcome.”

“I thought it was meant to be the Big Society, not the Big Brother Society, but we can clearly see Richard Desmond’s Jaguar in the field opposite, and he’s flanked by Amy Childs, Jedward and a massive group of shiny-faced wannabees who are desperate to steam in here and kick us right off the schedule – all on a technicality: that we didn’t have planning permission, that we construct our plots on our own.”

While Emmerdale supporters have rushed to the aid of the remaining cast and crew, helping to build barricades and protect this ancient way of life from Big Brother, many commentators feel that the people who made surveillance fashionable have already won.

“The TV cameras are already here,” said one insider who asked not to be named by their stage name. “There are millions of people sitting at home, just waiting for a violent bust-up they can watch from the safety of their living rooms. Big Brother is watching you – and he knows his show is already on air.”

Story: Jasper Gibson + Nick Tolson