Our 25 favourite jokes from this week – and not a mention of coronavirus
It’s finally April after the longest March since March was invented, and we can hardly remember last week.
We only know the week’s over because there was a round of applause in the street last night, but we’re happy to say that Twitter has spent the time well, creating this list of treats.
1.
Just write 60.
I'm no Carol Vorderman, you cunts pic.twitter.com/U9qzAHa2pH— joe heenan (@joeheenan) March 31, 2020
2.
My Mom just walked into the living room to tell me that the Alexa my Dad put in her office isn’t working. SHE HAS BEEN TALKING TO A THERMOS FOR 2 HOURS.
— Shannon Burke (@theshancave) March 28, 2020
3.
WARNING. The following documentary, "the history of drawing", contains scenes of a graphic nature.
— Daveastated (@Daveastated) March 27, 2020
4.
[interrogation room]
COP: I’m a human lie detector test.
PERP: No you’re not.
COP: I see you’re one too.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) March 21, 2020
5.
Me: This is a travesty, a farce, a mockery, a perversion it's appalling, astounding, atrocious, awful, dire, dreadful, frightful, horrid, inadequate, lousy, shameful, shocking, terrible, unacceptable!!
Cashier: We're out of the blue slushy, do you want the red one or not?
— MIKE-A-STUFF-LE-PANTS (@Redkat5000) March 25, 2020
6.
it was an itsy bitsy teeny weeny pic.twitter.com/xhiYxmgMAV
— three steaks pam (@alexandra_kuri) March 27, 2020
7.
Exciting news!
After painstaking laboratory* research and extensive experimentation, I have finally managed to split lunch!
In the process, I have discovered two new meals called 'first lunch' or 'flunch' and 'second lunch' ('slunch'). Patents are pending.*kitchen
— David QC (@DavidMuttering) March 27, 2020
8.
'IT IS NOT "SNITCH TAGGING", I JUST THINK THAT IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE MEAN ABOUT A CELEBRITY YOU SHOULD SAY IT TO THEIR FACE' pic.twitter.com/9jOygQpnEd
— REMAIN INDOORS (@Scriblit) March 28, 2020
9.
ireland really is ahead of its time, we were the first country to legalize same sex marriage by popular vote And they almost banned het marriage bc the constitution is in irish pic.twitter.com/K99xJA7Ssx
— elijah daniel (@1980SJULIET) March 31, 2020
10.
“No way. I’m Aramis Pomegranate.” pic.twitter.com/dISDgmnhNo
— Luke Shiach (@RealLukeShiach) March 29, 2020
11.
The record you would, after a week on the island, fling into the sea? That's your Desert Island Discus.
— Ed Morrish (@edmorrish) March 31, 2020
12.
At 20 it doesn't matter how you sleep, you look the same. When you're over 35 sleep has the power to make you look any age from 23 to 86.
— Tom Cox (@cox_tom) March 31, 2020