Simply 69 jokes by 69 very funny comedians to help take the edge off
1. Spike Milligan
“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
2. Larry David
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”
3. Steve Martin
“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
4. Steven Wright
“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.”
5. Richard Lewis
“I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasise that I was someone else.”
6. Sean Lock
“I used to know a boy at school called ‘Diarrhoea Dave’. He got the name because he was the only kid who could spell it.”
7. Sara Pascoe
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
8. Emo Phillips
“I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”
9. Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
10. Woody Allen
“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”
11. Marcus Brigstocke
“If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.”
12. Lucy Porter
“In your thirties your friends just disappear. I don’t mean they die. They all move to Birmingham, which is worse.”
13. Jenny Eclair
Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.’
14. Nick Helm
“”I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
15. Frankie Boyle
“I lost my virginity to my mums best friend. My dad!”
16. Harry Hill
“A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish, imagine what he’d do for some chips.”
17. Mark Watson
“I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself – ‘It’s not really impossible if he’s already done it twice.'”
18. Aisling Bea
‘What’s Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat.’
19. Bill Hicks
“I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you’d be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.”
20. Stephen Fry
“I knelt to pick a buttercup. Why people leave buttocks lying around I’ll never know…”
21. Tom Stade
“I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward”
22. Simon Munnery
“I wanted wine, women and song. I got a drunk woman singing”
23. Jerry Sadowitz
“I used to think I was great in bed until I realised all my girlfriends had asthma”
24. Eric Morecambe
‘I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.’
25. Paul F Taylor
“I’m glad I’m not American. When their kids are bad at something they send them to camp. Fat kids go fat camp, if you can’t do maths you go to maths camp. I was never very good at concentrating…”
26. Russell Brand
“No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He’s been dining off ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ for 30 years. “
27. Alfie Moore
“I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.”
28. Tim Vine
“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits! “
29. Eddie Izzard
“If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid.”
30. Billy Connolly
“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosy… doesn’t try it on.
31. Hannibal Burress
“People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”
32. Jo Brand
“The way to a man’s heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife. Although I don’t know why you’d bother, it’s not like there’s a cake there.”
33. George Carlin
“Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”
34. Nish Kumar
“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.