Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week

We find ourselves galloping through 2023 at an alarming rate. One second you’re watching Jools Holland pretend it’s New Year and the next it’s Friday the 13th.

But you can slow down time a little by putting your feet up for five minutes and reading our favourite funny tweets of the week.

1.

My wife is worried I'm unwell because I was off my food. Truth is I drank a pint of custard straight out of the carton about half an hour before dinner was ready.

— Fesshole 🧻 (@fesshole) January 11, 2023

2.

Push pineapple shake the tree pic.twitter.com/zGunMhPBAR

— Rob Manuel (@robmanuel) January 12, 2023

3.

Why do I see days old posts as though they have just been tweeted. I've just given my hot take on something that happened in 1588.

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) January 12, 2023

4.

When I turned 40
I was overweight, out of shape and thought I was just wasn’t the type of person who could ever run a marathon. Now nine years later I also know that my observational skills are spot on.

— Gary Delaney is on tour now (@GaryDelaney) January 12, 2023

5.

Now I have a son in high school, I know that the brands the teens currently love best are Berghaus and North Face. I wanted to look like a teenage vampire, the current kids want to look like 40 year old hillwalkers.

— Felicity Hannah (@FelicityHannah) January 11, 2023

6.

I've had a blackmail email from a stranger who says he has nudes of me.

Jokes on him now, I am taking nudes of myself and emailing them to him, asking for money for me to stop.

— John L GTTO (@JLFphoto) January 11, 2023

7.

Parenthood has taught me so much: how to love, how to be loved, the 60 different ways to spell Madison

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 9, 2023

8.

Disappointing to see. I haven’t read it, but understand that Olive and I do not come out of it well. pic.twitter.com/m8WoupHbj2

— Andrew Cotter (@MrAndrewCotter) January 9, 2023

9.

When I was a barista at Caffè Nero I served a bloke whose surname was Cornwall and he was from Kent. I told him my surname was Kent and I was from Cornwall, and he didn't care, like not at all.

— Aaron Kent (@GodzillaKent) January 10, 2023

10.

Could someone help me with a culinary question: what is “leftover bacon”?

— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) January 9, 2023

11.

Found out tonight that my son thought there was an item on the McDonalds menu called Phillip the Fish

— Ben Davis (@bendavis_86) January 11, 2023

12.

I might order takeaway instead pic.twitter.com/ejoxycO3ih

— Paul (@bingowings14) January 12, 2023