Family man struggles for sympathy over chafing issues

Sore News: A 41 yr-old man was struggling for sympathy from his family today, while holidaying in Spain with an ‘angry groin’.

“It feels like my penis has snorted a line of dried chilli,” said Timothy Repton from Pontefract. “My balls are so flame-grilled I could sell them to Burger King. My arse-crack looks like a Mars canyon. Do my wife and kids give a shit? No they do not.”

“Mummy, why is Daddy walking funny?” said 8 yr-old Elisia during a trip to the local market, but as Daddy tried to explain, the little girl simply ran away laughing.

“It’s been like that all holiday,” complains Repton, who has been hobbling 10 yards behind the rest of the family wherever they go. “They just don’t understand.”

It’s not the first time he’s suffered from serious chafing, in fact it happens ‘every summer’, but this year Repton admits ‘it’s really gone nuclear’.

“No wonder the Spanish economy is tanking. If I lived in these conditions, I wouldn’t want to do any work either. All I can think about is sitting in a cold bath and chopping my own bollocks off.”

Story: Jasper Gibson