‘What is the most inventive British way to call someone ‘useless’?’ – 23 wonderfully creative insults

British people love insulting each other, it’s how we show affection.

And the more original the jibe, the higher the regard we have for the recipient. Over on Reddit, user cazzawazza1 asked the following question…

‘What is the most inventive British way to call someone ‘useless’? I’ve heard ‘chocolate teapot ‘ and ‘a one legged man in an arse kicking contest’, but how else can I describe someone useless?’

And they received a cornucopia of lovingly well-crafted and highly insulting replies. Here are our favourites.

1.

‘Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot.’
–brokenbear76

2.

‘As useful as a convertible submarine is a favourite of mine.’
–MandarinWalnut

3.

‘If brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.’
–HoraceorDoris

4.

‘As sharp as a marble.’
–apeliott

5.

‘Couldn’t find his own arse with both hands and a map.’
–kifflington

6.

‘Couldn’t empty a bucket of water if the instructions were on the bottom.’
–monkeymidd

7.

‘As useful as a marzipan dildo.’
–bizstring

8.

‘As welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.’
–Beneandhot

9.

‘Has two brain cells and they’re fighting for third place.’
–SirDanDanielson

10.

‘He’s slower than coastal erosion.’
–Cagarner

11.

”As dumb as a box of hair’ has to be a favourite of mine.’
–stupre1972