25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week
We’re mere days away from the US election now, and no matter which side of the Atlantic you’re on, it’s definitely squeaky bum time.
Which is why this is as good a time as any to allow yourself a little distraction and, hopefully, a bit of a laugh. We’ve found 25 excellent posts from the last week that deserve a bit of love.
We hope you enjoy them as much as we did.
1.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked "Where did you come from? Where did you go?"
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT
— Natali Simmonds (@NJSimmondsbooks) October 27, 2024
2.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) October 26, 2024
3.
I guess she got remarried pic.twitter.com/H5nV2d7vuB
— Holly Brockwell (@holly) October 29, 2024
4.
Kids these days don't know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
— Schmuckarillo By Morning (@SchmuckOnAHorse) October 28, 2024
5.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
— The Deducers (@TheDeducers) October 30, 2024
6.
A good way to sound successful on a date is to talk about time in quarters. For example, "I've found several mice behind my radiator this quarter".
— Martin Pilgrim (@MartinPilgrim1) October 27, 2024
7.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 30, 2024
8.
I'd like a documentary about the friendships that were ruined trying to share out Bullseye prizes.
"I'll take the car, you can have the fridge and the his and hers watches"
— Paul Sinha (@paulybengali) October 26, 2024
9.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
— noah kulwin (@nkulw) October 29, 2024
10.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
— . (@jtothet) October 28, 2024
11.
Gifting this to my children so they know what to dream about for their career pic.twitter.com/2jKLmT7a1O
— Varun Khurana (@varunkhurana99) October 29, 2024
12.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What's important is that you're rich & you have a castle
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) October 31, 2024