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Look away now, Keir! U&Gold reveal their top 10 topical Christmas cracker jokes and every one’s a banger
Revealed! U&Gold’s top 10 topical Christmas cracker jokes and every one’s a banger
It’s the one surefire sign that the Christmas season is well and truly under way – when TV channel U&Gold announce the winners of their annual topical Christmas cracker joke competition.
And this time there’s a special Downing Street-themed treat under the tree, with this year’s winning joke in the competition’s 12th year.
‘What gifts will Sir Keir get this Christmas?’
‘None, he’s had enough!’
The winning entries touched on some of the year’s biggest news stories, including the forthcoming Oasis reunion, the much-watched Netflix sensation Baby Reindeer, and Gareth Southgate’s swansong as the England men’s football team manager.
The recently rebranded channel, U&Gold, challenged the British public to post their original festive funnies to X, which were then shortlisted by a panel of judges and put to an anonymous public vote of 2,000 British adults.
And here are the top 10 in full!
What gifts will Sir Keir get this Christmas? None, he’s had enough!
Why are pensioners bulk buying Brussels sprouts this Christmas? It’s the only way they’ll keep the gas flowing this year
Why is Rachel Reeves in the Nativity this year? She’s collecting inn-heritance tax.
Why is Santa worried about being stalked? He’s surrounded by baby reindeer.
Who’s Santas favourite member of Oasis? Noel.
Why does Father Christmas find going down chimneys easier this year? He’s on Ho Ho hozempic.
Why aren’t there more jokes about receiving Oasis tickets for Christmas? Most people won’t get them.
What do you call a Belgian reselling tickets at inflated prices? – a Brussels tout.
What’s the Thames Water advent calendar like? It’s full of number 2s.
Why did Gareth Southgate get into difficulty with the Christmas Club money? He was always late with his subs.
The annual joke competition celebrates U&Gold’s seasonal TV schedule, which includes classic festive episodes of some of the nation’s favourite comedies, from Gavin and Stacey to Absolutely Fabulous and The Vicar of Dibley – alongside much-loved Only Fools and Horses, set to air on Christmas day.
The U&Gold judging panel was headed by comedy critic Bruce Dessau, who had this to say:
‘Another brilliant list of festive funnies from the public – a true testament to British wit!
‘After an eventful 2024, I’m glad to see the nation’s humour bringing a bit of light to some of the year’s headlines! Big congratulations to all the winners, and well done to everyone who entered and put a smile on our faces for a twelfth year.’
The author of the winning joke, Carlsen Stanton from Birmingham, won £1,500 towards a holiday, a festive hamper and a box of bespoke U&Gold Christmas Crackers.
The top six jokes are included within bespoke boxes of U&Gold’s Christmas crackers, which will be presented to this year’s winners. All the jokes voted on by the British public are original content to the best of U&Gold’s knowledge.
Gerald Casey, Director of Programme, Comedy and Entertainment, UKTV added:
‘Congratulations to our 2024 winners! We’re blown away year after year by the hilarious entries we receive and we love seeing the British public get involved to share the laughs.
‘We hope to spread even more Christmas cheer with our festive U&Gold Christmas programming, including much-loved classic episodes from the likes of The Royle Family and Only Fools and Horses.’