US Comfort Blanket Industry Posts Record Sales

Blankie News: After school shootings, a bombing, a gigantic industrial explosion and envelopes full of poison, the American comfort blanket industry says sales are at new record levels.

After a series of horrific tragedies in the US, millions of Americans are reportedly buying comfort blankets, then adopting the foetal position on the floor.

“If only we’d have known that large scale death, destruction and suffering would have such a positive effect on sales, we would have caused it ourselves years ago,” said a spokesman for the comfort blanket industry.

“Up until now we depended on cold weather and long winters to boost our sales, but clearly all it takes is a devastating industrial accident, the ongoing threat of nuclear war with North Korea, envelopes full of ricin, or some dickheads with guns and bombs to get the nation buying blankies and curling up into a ball.”

Experts predict most Americans fortunate enough to have blankies will not emerge from the foetal position for many months, and those without blankies will be forced to improvise with bin bags or old sacks instead.

“This enormous demand for our product is causing us untold stress,” said a spokesman. “I want my blankie.”