Government To Introduce Mandatory Keyboard Licence

Web News: The government has announced plans to require anyone owning or using a keyboard to be licensed, in a bid to stop them writing stupid shit on the internet.

The new law will require ‘any person or persons intending to own or use any device with a keyboard to undergo a written examination to see if they meet the minimum requirements of expressing thoughts on the internet’.

It’s also thought that the test will involve a visual element, where prospective keyboard users are shown pictures of women – applicants who demonstrate knee-jerk reactions such as yelling ‘rape’ or ‘bomb!’ will automatically fail.

“Just as we don’t let people legally drive if they are total morons, now this new licensing scheme will hopefully improve the level of thoughts broadcast on the internet,” said Home Secretary Theresa May.

“As with driving, points will be added to keyboard licences if people leave aggressive or inane comments – such as pointing out that something is ‘fake’ or ‘gay’ – or simply wasting your own time and energy by writing ‘wut’.