Ear Hair Triggers Existential Crisis

Age News: A 36-year old man spoke today of his ‘long gaze into the abyss’ following the discovery of ‘significant’ hairs sprouting from his ear.

“After the death of youth, there is but death,” said Craig Knowles of Newham, London. “Finding these hairs was like finding the answer to the question ‘why do we exist?’ and that answer being ‘Your question is meaningless. Only annihilation awaits you.”

The hairs were found after a particularly difficult session with a cotton bud which left Craig pressing his face to the mirror as far as the sink would allow.

“I just wanted some vague clue as to what could possibly be so itchy, yet so invisible. What I found was the reaper’s bony finger pointing toward my mortality.”

His wife Kelly says that despite laying on some of his favourite biscuits, Craig remains both inconsolable and in his dressing gown, which stinks.

“It stinks,” said Kelly Knowles. “I haven’t seen him this bad since Deadwood finished inconclusively at the end of season three thereby robbing Craig of the psychological dividends due after such a profound emotional investment. How am I meant to tell him about the grey pube?”